Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Oh Teri ..Bhutan Ka Baap :)

Once upon a time I used to be optimistic by choice. Now, I’m so, by default.
I don’t mind it.
I feel like Bhutan.
For those of you who have missed on this beauty of an info nugget, Bhutan rates highest on the happiness index scale done by some formal sounding global body ..Blah.

So it really doesn’t matter if you’re happy or not. What matters is that you get to define whether you can be happy or not. By the way, this is just boundary for the rest of this piece.

So I keep having these extremely inane conversations with Junior through the day and sometimes I find them turning my thought world a bit upside down.

I have always been extremely proud of my zen like demeanour to be positive come what may. That’s the only thing I devote my quota of discipline to..hence, most of what I do otherwise becomes a labour of indiscipline. Just saying. Also apart from this there isn’t much to be proud of. Again, just saying.

So one such conversation almost verbatim with lots of stereo sound (read: in the mind mumbo)

“Mom, I keep thinking about something a lot but then it seems quite silly ..you wanna know what it is ?”

In my mind, I sort of am debating whether I want to hear a long convoluted dream sequence of dragons that look like Amitabh Bachhann,, sci fi landscapes with a healthy dose of human biology thrown in (his current  muse) …

I’m too late .. sorry, at my age, its too slow.

He takes the burden of guilt off me …and continues.

“I think every single person in this world is lying to me so that I don’t feel bad about myself Mom ..”

“Hain?”
This is the hindi ‘hain’ by the way (pardon, bihari roots).

I don’t have an under confident kid, low on self esteem. So I’ve already started blaming myself for doing this to him. This being this complex feeling of emotional persecution he seems to be going through and I have no clue about. I justify it by thinking maybe I’m just too vanilla optimistic for him and he sees no value in that and has completely dismissed it from his life … my god..so much pessimism at such an early age ..I’ll need to figure out how to undo the damage.

Without giving him a second to breathe, I jump up with the sole intention of a big mama bear hug.

He looks at me with his not again kind of face, takes me in the hug and says “oho what now?” in a very unrelated logical tone belying the gravitas of his earlier announcement.

Keeps hugging me … the difference is he is the mama bear now …and continues…

“Mom, I can’t believe theres no magic in the world. That we don’t know magic. I think everyone knows magic and can do it. They just don’t want to hurt me by saying that because I’m the only one who doesn’t have that power…the power of magic…I’m not a magician, Mom.”

For a minute, I lose time. I really do.

That kind of optimism is hard to beat. The fact that its a part of him says a lot to me about myself.

 And then I say ..

"oh teri ...Bhutan ka baap …" :)