Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tipping My Point

Read a beautiful, simple article today – What’s the tipping point of revolution?

Got me thinking.

Over the last few days have been trying to improve the worth of my will.

Usually I try to improve my life.
It takes me to a space which is open enough to let me be but, not open within, for introspection. There is rarely time left free from the pursuit of an improved life for such indulgences.

Gladwell says “tipping points are the levels at which the momentum for change becomes unstoppable, the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point.”

A part of my life..a big part, has largely been a consequence of hitting such tipping points.

I have never fought with change…at times even welcomed it, been seduced by the sheer adrenaline of creating a new essence.

Its strange then, that in my professional sphere, I have lived in jobs that have continued for years.
To myself, I sometimes admit that its possibly lack of ambition.

However, I don’t really think I’m low on ambition.
Its just that the means have always been greater than the end.
I remember, in 1989 I took my DPS 11th class Entrance Interview. Lugani, the then principle asked me “Is the End greater then the means”…
Honestly, I had no clue what he was asking me but, if I shut my eyes I can still hear the wheels going clickety clack inside my head.
I used to write poems then and, my poems never used to rhyme.
They still don’t.
And, my head said “if you take care of the means the end will happen by itself”… had a nice poetic feel to it.
I went with it.
And today, I know that’s the answer they wanted to hear.
Its just that today, I don’t believe its gospel.
The end is as important if not more detrimental.

I have only worked for the pleasure of it. I like arriving at solutions for myself and other people. Seeing projects to conclusion. Learning on the job. Making mistakes. Getting screwed and then getting back again. That’s what any job is to me. A healthy recognition is essential to my self worth and I have never had any problems in receiving that.
Some may call it lack of ambition.
I just did it the only way I knew how to. It was all good till I was having fun.

But now, I feel I’m perched somewhere near that tipping point.
Change is imminent and hopefully it will also be unstoppable.
I’ve been standing on the threshold for years now.
While I have encountered and ridden various tipping points in my personal life, this one has always been due.

Over the last 10 years I have gone from fat to obese. I’ve never really visited a psychologist so don’t really know if he would be able to find a sociological driver for it from my life. However, am quite a pop psychologist myself so have always defended it by saying its never really mattered because my esteem is none the less because of it.
That a lie.

It really never mattered till about a few months back. Now it does.
People matter and If I and this matter to them, then it matters to me too.

A close friend has given me direction and I’m using that as a beacon. For once, just focusing on the end and damn the means.
Bruised and exhausted I am right now..thats just the means.

The end is for me to know and revel in….some ends are better left undisclosed….haha!

If just walking the talk has made me look at myself in this light, its bound to have ramifications on what I choose to do for a living. I don’t need a job to run my life; I need it to become my life.
Do something that gives me the pleasure of bread hard earned and a life well lived.

I not only wait for the tipping point of this revolution but prepare myself to usurp it.