Monday, November 09, 2009

Daydreamin'

I saw a tear in the sky today
No no not a teardrop, silly
A tear…

A huge zig zagger
Almost like a zip that had given way

I three quarters expected a glitter of stars to fall out
And, they probably did
You know how these things work
They sort of disappear in the day, right.
But, when u’re alone in the dark of a crystal night
They come out
In hordes …they wink and they tease

Okay so back to the tear…
I saw a tear in the sky today
And, to the one quarter of the expectation that I buried

A huge zig zagger
Almost like a zip that had given way

I one quarter expected myself to rocket out
Just that I had a no fuel day.

You know how things work, right..The stars got me overworking the night

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Sun & The Smoke

Smoke in the eyes
Dark grey swirls amidst yellow fume
Like vanilla ice gone wrong

Tears that bleed
Sweet hell
And smell of ennui..

Of a sun blasted moon so full of shimmer that it pours off my eyelashes into my eyes

That is the yellow in the smoke I hold
The yellow that is you and the smoke that is mine…

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Boomerang

Everytime I come back, I think I’ll never go away again..and then every single time I go..I eventually return.
Somewhat like life, right..

If u had asked me a month back I would have told you 2009 has been a disaster year. It crippled me in every way that mattered.
But what goes away always comes back eventually and, so has my will.

I lost my grandfather early 2009…he was already gone much before he actually did..he had alzheimers.
My grandpa was and still is my philosophy….
I don’t read much spiritual stuff even though I consider myself quite a believer. My grandpa , for most of his life was rooted in science, he did not believe in God. In the last decade we saw him taking to god in a manner inspired. Which brings me to my belief today that I have no faith in religion, no awareness of it either.
I do however close my eyes everytime I need a stronger me. And 2009 has seen me talking to God with a vehemence J

But, as all things come to an eventual close, my grandmom who had been withering away for the last 5 yrs taking care of my grandpa has shifted to Delhi, 5 mins from where I live. I don’t get to see her everyday but I take her out every weekend to the malls. She loves it. We take her out in the wheelchair. The 3 of us..one team, my nani, my sonny and me. She doesn’t want to accept it but she has more colour on her face now..is looking less burdened. She misses the husband and mentor who bought her home after marriage when she was all of 14 but we coerce a smile out of her everytime we visit the bangle shop here.

Mid 2009 dealt me a challenge I wish I had not taken. Opportunity beckoned and my closest friend took a call (haha..with ample support from me) – the right or the easy….and the right, thankfully won.
Am still waiting for the eventual comeback on that one !

Abt 2 months back I went to the Doc for an ailing foot which had probably tired itself out from all the weight it had been carrying over the years. Afew regular tests later, I discovered my blood sugar was 320..way over the 140 barrier….I had officially been declared a sugarbum…a diabetic.
I never liked sweets but the 6-7 pepsi’s I used to have every day had taken a toll. Suddenly I realized everything that had been staring at me for the last decade.
I took immediate action and a week later I was down to 147, a month later to 90.
Good to go or, so I thought.
I slipped just around my birthday and then followed a week long orgy of long suppressed culinary desires…..and then chatth and home. Today, I’m back treading fire again…..6 kgs down at last count.
I plan to bring the New Year in with a digit short…again some good out of a WTF situation.

I also have in the last month decided to take some decisive action towards a dream I have had for long.
Not much that can be said on that in a public forum J but I’m on my way.
The next few months will see action. I have decided I will not do anything I don’t want to professionally.
I work, because I like to and, over the years I’ve sacrificed that.
Correction is happening.

So life has a funny way of throwing things at u..almost like a kid wanting u to play with it…by throwing them back….its so easy to give in and say 2009 my disaster year…..but I’ve decided to do it the “right” way……disaster, all right, but in no way crippling !

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

My First Port of Refuge




I have been planning to do this for quite some time……today seems to be the day for it.

My sister is officially 3 years younger than me.

She is a hugely reputed doctor in a faraway land and we mostly catch up only when we need each other. However, in the moments that we are away, it never matters that we haven’t been chatting incessantly. Every time we meet we find that that ball of thread has never lost its ways and is perched precisely where we left it.

People always ask me “own sister”? Ya she is my own sister, in every way that matters.
We were born of different parents but raised by a couple most precious in our lives.
Our grandparents.

The first and most critical bond of love.

The values we have are courtesy these lovely people and though we may have adopted differing facades, over the years, it always comes back full circle to them.
That was the first bond of love.

There are others that are god gifted I think. Both she and I are very different people. Or seem to be so on the face of it. We are both Librans, which is the funny part because if u had to ask Linda Goodman to do a chapter on us, she would probably cover both ends of the paradigm.

But this post is not about me. Its about her and the power she has over my life.

I have never met a woman with so much clarity on what she wants out of every moment.
I wish I could see things her way, take decisions that remain decided till the end. It would make life so much simpler for myself and others around me.
The focus she displays is something I have only experienced in isolated moments of self discovery. And she wears it proudly most any time of her life.

I have borne the brunt of that incisive insight. She has goaded me to be stronger. Yet, when the whole world around me was advising me on my obesity, giving me action plans…not once did I receive a sermon from her…she has been my staunchest supporter through this hell I’m going through…every word that she has ever spoken on the subject has been a smile…a smile that’s given me the hope that I could make it better..disappear…when I wanted to.

She is also a story teller par excellence….she is a doctor but could most easily have been an actress, an entertainer, a teacher, a lawyer, even a counsel. She bites into every opportunity to debate with gusto and it’s a pleasure to just hear your thoughts come out of her mouth. With none of the uncertainty you feel in expressing ur innermost feelings. I wish I could be so open, so white and black, just so sure.

She also inspires me to be a better mother. Through our growing up years, she always had this fascination for kids. She used to love being with them, playing, dressing them up. I was quite neutral to the emotion. Today, when I see her with her son and her darling nephew (my son) I feel quite humbled. We keep laughing at her need to discipline habits and time lines but there is nothing but awe at the back of that mirth. Its as if shes poring every emotion she wanted to see in her life into her child’s. Successfully. Again that ever elusive focus.

To be able to give so much of urself to make another life better and more fulfilled, to be able to see that other life in the long term more than the short term of making it happy and fun is a feat not many of us are able to accomplish. Today’s discipline will definitely lead to a better tomorrow is something I’m learning the hard way.

It’s her birthday today.
Happy Birthday Sis!

And I do so wish I could tell you everything I have wanted to for so long. But I know, irrespective, u would understand.
I have tried to be there for u whenever u needed me….we live in separate continents…it never matters.
Have picked out 2 pics that reflect her true essence....
.....for the sister I love so much and always will......luv u babes.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tipping My Point

Read a beautiful, simple article today – What’s the tipping point of revolution?

Got me thinking.

Over the last few days have been trying to improve the worth of my will.

Usually I try to improve my life.
It takes me to a space which is open enough to let me be but, not open within, for introspection. There is rarely time left free from the pursuit of an improved life for such indulgences.

Gladwell says “tipping points are the levels at which the momentum for change becomes unstoppable, the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point.”

A part of my life..a big part, has largely been a consequence of hitting such tipping points.

I have never fought with change…at times even welcomed it, been seduced by the sheer adrenaline of creating a new essence.

Its strange then, that in my professional sphere, I have lived in jobs that have continued for years.
To myself, I sometimes admit that its possibly lack of ambition.

However, I don’t really think I’m low on ambition.
Its just that the means have always been greater than the end.
I remember, in 1989 I took my DPS 11th class Entrance Interview. Lugani, the then principle asked me “Is the End greater then the means”…
Honestly, I had no clue what he was asking me but, if I shut my eyes I can still hear the wheels going clickety clack inside my head.
I used to write poems then and, my poems never used to rhyme.
They still don’t.
And, my head said “if you take care of the means the end will happen by itself”… had a nice poetic feel to it.
I went with it.
And today, I know that’s the answer they wanted to hear.
Its just that today, I don’t believe its gospel.
The end is as important if not more detrimental.

I have only worked for the pleasure of it. I like arriving at solutions for myself and other people. Seeing projects to conclusion. Learning on the job. Making mistakes. Getting screwed and then getting back again. That’s what any job is to me. A healthy recognition is essential to my self worth and I have never had any problems in receiving that.
Some may call it lack of ambition.
I just did it the only way I knew how to. It was all good till I was having fun.

But now, I feel I’m perched somewhere near that tipping point.
Change is imminent and hopefully it will also be unstoppable.
I’ve been standing on the threshold for years now.
While I have encountered and ridden various tipping points in my personal life, this one has always been due.

Over the last 10 years I have gone from fat to obese. I’ve never really visited a psychologist so don’t really know if he would be able to find a sociological driver for it from my life. However, am quite a pop psychologist myself so have always defended it by saying its never really mattered because my esteem is none the less because of it.
That a lie.

It really never mattered till about a few months back. Now it does.
People matter and If I and this matter to them, then it matters to me too.

A close friend has given me direction and I’m using that as a beacon. For once, just focusing on the end and damn the means.
Bruised and exhausted I am right now..thats just the means.

The end is for me to know and revel in….some ends are better left undisclosed….haha!

If just walking the talk has made me look at myself in this light, its bound to have ramifications on what I choose to do for a living. I don’t need a job to run my life; I need it to become my life.
Do something that gives me the pleasure of bread hard earned and a life well lived.

I not only wait for the tipping point of this revolution but prepare myself to usurp it.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Finally

It finally rained yesterday..that is actually an understatement..it poured..all of three and a half drops.
I lapped it up like Katrina in the aamsutra ad….felt like her too J

I want to go for a luxurious holiday.
It has to be the beach. And it has to cost almost nothing. And of course, it has to be with the person I want it to be with.
I do live in exciting times don’t I?
Well if you don’t think so…lemme clarify…the flavour of my season is Shane Warne.
Yaya I know he’s every woman’s worst nightmare come alive but hey, dream big man! I’m not going to get him just because I want him.

Age and experience come in handy when you have to deal with such irrational desires (ahem!).
Which brings me to something that I’ve been thinking off recently.

I find youth overrated in terms of its ability to refresh, aspire and deliver.
The confidence and keenness to venture out today is much more than I ever felt 10 yrs back.
Maybe its the confidence that comes from earning ur own keep or the sensitivity to see a third side to the story with the two sides we’ve always been taught to.
Or just simply, Ur ability to take off on Ur own.

I read Anuja Chauhan’s “The Zoya Factor”…enjoyed it too (just out of curiosity, does that make me a chick?). Probably too frivolous for most but I think it has awesome film hooks..Hopefully will get to see the movie soon too considering SRK has bought the rights. I giggled quite a bit reading it..and that too, in not the most smile worthy, phase of my life. Thank u Anuja….you don’t know me but u did make my life easier for those few seconds of reprieve.

Apart from that, what have I been upto…hmmm…

Learning the language of the bulls and bears…
Sleeping at every single split second opportunity…..
Waiting for Parul’s book..go go gurl!
Following the IPL like a cricket fanatic and cheering teams and, (ahem) team captains for all the wrong reasons
Swearing every night that tom is going to be the day pan parag is hurled out of the window and I’m seen in the sexiest tracks I have, downstairs, swinging to the beat of my new found enthu ….hahahaha
Following it up every morning with WTF, tom…yaar

The book hasn’t started..the script synopsis is half finished..the restaurant idea perishing…I am just waiting for god alone knows what..to start !

My beauty of a son tells me I won't live to see these three if I dnt get the first one..the unsaid, unspoken off enemy...out! I did tell you we are a family surviving on IPL :0

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I'll Be Back !

I need to delve deep and develop a new language for myself.
2009 has been difficult but nothing that cannot be provoked to rekindle the humour in me.
I'm going to take a holiday soon :)....
And, then hopefully, u'll see and read more of me than these hugely irritatingly monotonously deep posts....

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Mending

Just odds and ends that have captured my attention for some time...relieved me of the pressures of the single minded pursuit haunting me today.

While the world is going gaga over Masakalli, I love the soul ditty of Maula Mere Maula....

"दरारें दरारें माथे पे मौला
मररमत॒ मुककदर की कर दो मौला,
मेरे मौला..
जो भी तेरे दर् आया, झुकने जो सर आया
मस्तियाँ पिए सबको, झूमता नज़र आया
प्यास ले के आया था, दरिया वों भर लाया
नूर की बारिश में भीगता सा तर आया
दरारें दरारें माथे पे मौला
मररमत॒ मुककदर की कर दो मौला, मेरे मौला.."

I believe, as many of us do, that each time demands its own Literature.
It's the creative arts that urge our happiness, mingle with our pain and finally, help us abandon ourselves to something far more potent than we can hope to accomplish.

At different phases of my life I have found anchor in music, films, and books. Its not that the connect hits you the first time you experience them but that, at different points in time, you take from the source what seems most relevant.

In the much acclaimed, The Namesake, there is a moving scene where Irfaan and the young Gogol walk out into the sea. They later realize they have forgotten to pick up the camera from the car and hence, cannot take pictures of the beauty around them, their experience of it together. The father tells the toddler, it does not matter; they will just have to remember it.
“How long?” the child asks.“Forever. We will have to remember the time we came so far that we could not go any farther.”

It’s something I have been trying to convince myself over years. I can’t hoard time…..and time can’t steal away memories.

Saw Dev D a week back. Something struck me. Its not really been talked about as much as the whole of Dev D. Actually I don’t think I have read it anywhere, even as a byline by the makers of the movie. So it could most easily be my interpretation of the scene even though the movie does not actively pan out as such.

There is a scene at the beginning of the movie where Dev asks Paro to send him a nude shot of herself.
She takes the picture and then goes to a market far away from her home in Chandigarh to scan and send out from a web café.
In the latter part of the movie, cut to a flashback spin of Chanda, going through the angst of young love because a boyfriend cut a compromising video of hers and made it public.

These two bits of the movie stay with me because one could most easily be the other.

Both girls were probably driven by the same emotion, the need to please themselves and their lovers.
So, why does Paro come out looking bold and Chanda, a slut? Chanda. could most easily have been seen as an innocent trapped by a mercenary boyfriend.

And, I’m not talking about just the movie now.
I’m talking about the girl who went through this tragedy in real life.
I wonder how many of us restrained the urge to condemn her act in our thoughts. Sure, we felt sorry for her but how many of us can put our hand to our heart and say that they did not think of her as a juicy story.

I can and I didn’t. I was, however guilty of a bigger crime. She was just too far away to affect my existence.

As I grow older, I sometimes see my reactions as frivolous, for lack of a better word.
SRK’s next antics on screen are also far away. He also does not affect my existence.
Just because I like watching it, I take out time and read and write reviews galore, spread the good cheer about his movies around.

Just because I can’t face shadows of self doubt about the influence I wield in my personal capacity to a social construct, I sit back, read in the papers and forget about a girl and so many others of everyday life who need my direction more.

I really don’t know where these thoughts are coming from.

As I said every moment demands its own literature.

Today, while there is hope in the journey and timelessness in memories, there is also a greater need to surrender to the intuitive, to a greater presence of certainty.

A need to go back to the source of the self doubt in one’s influence and, redirect, to a more positive purpose.

I’ll be back….till then Jai Ho!

"दरारें दरारें माथे पे मौला
मररमत॒ मुककदर की कर दो मौला, मेरे मौला.."

Monday, February 09, 2009

Khudi Ko Kar Buland Itna....

Its been ages since I countered my fear and picked up my pen. This period of staying away from the written word has been intentional.

Its always been easy to lose myself in the make believe haze of a jumble of words that mean so much and, release much moré.
I’ve done it the past, almost immediately after events, to restore balance.


This time, I have had no such time and have been in little mood to afford myself the same luxury.

2009 has been violently inertia breaking.

Just when u think life has ceded to u the simple happiness of just letting u be, u are asked to tie up ur laces again and go out to battle.

There is always an easy way. And, then, there is always the right way.
I think all of us, at different points in time find that both, are not, exclusive.

Honestly, while I owe strong allegiance to the right way, I have found myself straying towards the easy with relative ease. That must be human, right?

However, the intent has always been to do the right thing and I will do that today too.

I will undo myself, dry, in the energy of the spring sun and, emerge battle strong.

Its only in times that are indifferent to your happiness that one finds will. I had heard that so many times.
I have managed to conquer one of my oldest foes in these trying times by reining in that elusive will.


My intution says that I will end up “right” even though the right may not be “easy”.

As I said, it probably would be one of those times when both the “easy" and the “right" meet to make magic.