Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Chandni Chowk

History has little use for me. I find it difficult to remember things beyond the now and here. I could write reams on the why of it but I doubt it would be of interest to anyone.
I do understand that I miss out on the whole romance of imagining a bygone era and its trappings but that's the way it is.
So when a few close friends offered to show me around Chandni Chowk, it was not the history of the place that catapulted me into action but the fact that I would get to shop and eat to my heart’s content.
I found history all the same, or it, finally found me…..

Colours streak the
Grey suffused skies
I raise my head to the
Jumble of electricity in the air
Having experienced the romance
Of generations gone by
They seem to be whispering into each others ears
Yes, this too shall pass..

“बल्ली मरण से दरीबे तलक..तेरी मेरी कहानी दिल्ली में”
I have heard that before
All that stays with me now, is not the refrain
But the smell that tiptoes around it
I reach out to touch it
all that stays
Is the wisp of feel
The senses blur, collide
all that stays
Is the colour in the sky….

Time suspended in unhindered conversations
And, conversation hanging loose of any intention


They seem to be whispering into each others ears
Yes, this too shall pass..



Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Random Silence

Over the last two days I’ve lost my voice. This happens to me once every six months. And, ya I know its not good but it kind off feels good.
Takes the pressure to respond, off, my already weight burdened soul.

So, I’ve been thinking (I never do that).

When I think of myself old, I see myself as this really hot woman. You think, u can vicariously live off Ur own projections about your own future which comes to u through idle dreams? God, sounds really complicated right now..I’ve actually forgotten the movie I saw her in..But there was this really awesomely pretty old lady with a dimple in her eyes and a twinkling smile..That’s the kind of old age I see.

Frankly speaking, the only thing I miss as a consequence of my obesity is my ability to wear Jeans. I know most of the USA still wears it but I sort of gave up on them a decade back. Till about early college, you’d hardly ever find me in anything else. I so so miss that.

What is it they say – u can’t miss something u never had or did. I want to sit in the rain with my knees cuddled upto my chest, cocoon fashioned. I can’t do it because theres a certain Mr. Tummy coming in the way…I’ve never done it but I really miss it.

I want to go to New Zealand. It's that particular shade of blue that turns me on.

I want it to rain right now and become really cold. Only today, I read somewhere winter is for the melancholic. What bullshit!

Relationship equations always change or, just with our generation?

I’ve always preferred sassy over sexy, chutzpah over intelligence and humour over wit….man, does that make me what I think it makes me???
Which basically sort of translates into the immediate, the spontaneous over structured, planned.

By the way, chutzpah is probably my most favorite word. Yaya I can’t help it if I have a fav word. I have many. So there.

I like staying home with Ishu. The end of the day sees me more accomplished.

There are times when I become a baby not this hugely self sufficient woman in charge of herself and her brood. And, I wonder if that's not the best way to be. Its not something I have at my command. And, the one who does, rarely, uses this power. Pity!

I want to write a script……and I really want to read Parul’s book !

The truth is, theres only one thing I want to live through Ishu. I want him to become a rockstar. And, in own subtle way I keep introducing him to” rockstar concepts”. You think I’m a bad mommy?? Well, I so wanted to be a rockstar and I’ve only realized that at this hugely young age of 36, what do I do?

I read somewhere yesterday – the way you do anything is the way you do everything. Bull, again.

Love is worth it.

And, I want to be ur baby..Pronto!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

We, The People ..

There are times when the Libran in me exhausts me. I sway from finding the balance to losing it with alarming frequency.

Have been immersed in the terror of the last week. Fear resides deep within. I read a beautifully tragic piece by someone I hold in high regard.

As newsflash after backlash happens, there is only one thing I see. Earlier if there were 20 people wanting revenge, today there are 20000.

What I can’t understand is what we expect the government to do?

Do we want to attack because we have no defense?

There is a governance in place but we don’t want to have anything to do with it. This is the bittermost ramification of terror. Random emotions brought to the forefront. Emotions that require only vent. We don’t know how to react so we bury the blame at the funeral pyre of the next easiest target.

We create terror because we are terrorised.

I don’t read much of intellectual literature nor am I a great academic buff. I’m more or less creative in my approach towards life. I don’t assume that I understand the pain of the terror attacks beyond going through the angst in my luxurious sitting room. I’ve cried blind tears because my father taught me long back that tears were useless if they did not take you forward. He tells me even today that my biggest weakness is that I cannot capture anger in the black of my eyes and rear it to be embers that light up the path to be taken.

As cities and families burn in the agony of someone else’s misspent youth, empathy is not something we can expect of them.
Anger is.
However, like in a family in crises there are some who are not amenable to reason as the loss they face is too palpable, too immediate and too crippling, there are others in the family who can seek reason out and bombard themselves with responsibility.
And, this occasion demands exactly this of us. To rise to the front and protect our family members who are incapable of such rationale right now.
Give them time to grieve and not strangle them with ours.
While we are terrorised, they are terror stricken.

There is a government that has sprung into action. There are visual cues that indicate things may be different from now onwards.
Not because a chief minister is changed or the home minister sacked. Because there is no other way out.

Our government should have protected us. Undoubtedly. But we should not have supported the fundamentalists either.

Today the lone terrorist, a kid of 20 odd, drugged to fight a deathly end without sleep for 60 long hours, trained to kill his soul and then others’, expected to stand up to the tears of a billion strong nation state still lives, with an ideology of hate, that he was not born with, but taught.
He says he learnt at the hands of a certain Mr. Narendra Modi.
That is the terror of it.

While the media creates enough angst with its “enough is enough” mantra and, we are fed to repeat, by rote, situations that are best ignored because of their frivolity. I’m sick of Barkha Dutt asking a city that has just stared death in its face about what they feel about the NSGs being north indian more than marathi. She looks visibly scarred and moved. I wonder how she can still ask these questions. Not once but everytime.

I want to scream out and say this is not the time to fight our bitter battles against our politicians.
They suck. Great. Now lets get on with it.
We suck too, for not standing up as one when we most need to..

Did we not know where the earlier terror attacks had come from?
Did we not have these same politicians at the helm?
Were our policies any different then?
Did our DNA not need changing then?
So why is it enough today and not then?

When I was young, I never used to understand why we had to go through a hugely ritualistic period of about 13 days post someones passing away. As usual, my dad came to my rescue. He told me that jumping to conclusions was the easiest way to ignorance. There was a reason why the 13 day ritual came into practice. And, it was based on logic and not religion. The 13 day was a highly strung work intensive period full of ritualistic dos and don’ts so that the family could keep itself busy and not lose itself in the grief of the beholden. Unfortunately, today the only ritual we are being taken through is at the hands of the vouyeristic media machinery we have indulged for so long. So much information, yet still ignorant.

Today, we stand wrecked by self doubt.
We need to observe that 13 day ritual, turn inwards and come back reinforced with the goodness that we seek and not the death that abounds.

We’ve lost lives.
This is a time to build and rebuild.
Not to lose focus.
Our fellow siblings are incabable of restoration right now. They need time to grieve.
We can’t afford grief.
We can fight our internal battles later.

For now, We Resurrect.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Plan the Plan

Its nearly the end of 2008.

For the first time this year I decided to make a New Year resolution that had nothing to do with my physical health. And, I can honestly say, I’ve lived upto it.

Sometimes I manage to surprise even myself with the indiscipline with which I lead my life.
I try and justify it by calling it my impetuousness.

I turned 36 this year. It sank in yesterday with very pedestrian menace.
I was paying the bill at Yo China (God, Yo China would u believe it???) and they asked me to fill the suggestion form. I was all ready to sign the 31-35 age slab and, realized, oh shit, I’ve hit the 36-40 one. I must have stared at it for a minute before ticking.

Its not that I can’t handle turning older by a year.

Its just that I still seem to be thinking theres so much time to do the things I want to do when, time is sort of sifting through my fingers..fast and furious.

I think I’ll try and use the next month to plan out my life for the first time.

The starting point is obvious enough.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Now, I'm the Hero's Friend..Show Respect Man

I don't fucking care if u don't understand a single word of tamil...go watch Poi Solla Porom right now......my coolest friend has just delivered a solo hit man....go...luv ya KK...

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Gimme Time

No excuse but the plea that I've been busy. Very busy.

This is the first time in my life when the hours in a day seem less than what I would want them to be.

Not that I wasn't busy earlier...oh I've always managed to make the seconds count but never felt want of time..till now.

I always come to one conclusion when I'm faced with insights about myself at inopportune moments.

I can take a lot...

I don't know if I believe in God but I know he knows I can take a lot..

His way of ensuring that I'm forever challenged...

This is a new time...time for a new code...

By the way, my son's got his own blog now...catch him here.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Mindfucked

I'm still dumbstruck. A day into watching The Dark Knight, I still fumble to put in words the chaos it has flung my mind into.

I've never been a super hero junkie..I hadn't even heard of them till about 10 yrs back....I used to follow Wonder Woman in England, more for the casting song than anything else.

However over the last few years I have followed most of these super hero movie releases because my closest friend and my son end up carting me off to the cinema hall.

I don't like spiderman..I hate the guy who plays him and the gal he falls for...Superman is a dying franchise..so, when news started floating in about this new Batman flick about a year ago, I thought, god, not another one.

And, then I saw Brokeback Mountain and, I thought, great..I'll get to see Heath Ledger at least.

And then, Ledger died and, I thought, this ones for him.

To say that I was blown out of my mind in the 3 hours I spent in the hall yesterday would be making it as mild as any other superhero flick I have ever seen. I'm still reeling under the impact of the brilliance of a director with a vision of steel.

Every reviewer worth his salt has been calling the movie black, sinister and overtly dark......thats the treatment, I agree.

However, its Nolan's sheer brilliance in capturing the sun beyond all this when he chooses to always fall back on human choice as his most relevant yardstick.

The Joker lives by the adage "why so serious" and while he changes his story everytime he swings his knife around his victim's mouth, he is the fall guy in the story....at the back of your mind you know hes a lunatic for a reason...you don't empathise with his reason because never is a clarification given or sought. The fact is that while he is spouting his claims to loving and creating chaos for the fun of it..you know theres still that reason. Hes a parasite of the attention this chaos brings him and in one of the most vulnerable (albeit delivered with the wildness and humour expected of him) he tells Batman, "You complete me....".

The Joker is desperate and hes not hiding it.

Just below this post is something I wrote when I was questioned on what morality is some days back.

The Dark Knight is a tale of criss crossing moralities....Before writing that post on morality, I spent a restless night trying to figure out how honest I was ready to be with myself.

Thats exactly my perspective on the Dark Knight. Its not a superhero movie because it has a great looking costume and some chaalu powers, its a super hero flick because it does not hesitate to question the very morality of decisions we take as humans everyday. Whether its the policeman whose wife is in the hospital, or the criminal who throws the detonator out, or the Joker who chooses to live a life of meaning with Batman, or Batman himself who chooses to save his love instead of Harvey dent its all about taking decisions that are honest enough to be immoral even in their morality.

"Either you die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a villain", is the basic premise of the travails of each character in the movie. Constant fight between what is expected of them and what they finally do. Conscious decision-making that leads them down the path of either of the two propositions. Elaborate challenges that the Joker throws out to defy human goodness....and as he himself says, "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stranger". The moral weave that we spin around ourselves lies completely in this thought vicinity. The Joker gives you the way out...we may not be stronger for having borne the burden of our baser instincts but we are definitely more worthy of fun, for enjoying the strangeness of it.

Another thing that sets this movie apart from the pure simplistic fare of the comic book genre is perhaps the common refrain that runs through the movie. Theres only so much power is capable of and more of that would in all probability lead to too much temptation and ruin.

The movie works on the Joker knowing Batman's psyche and not vice versa. And, that is why the charaterisation of Ledger's lunatic portrayal of a man gone wrong is so bang on. You do not expect a psycho like that to be in possession of his senses, of his vision to be so clear, of his intelligence to pierce through. But, it does. And, that is the power of Heath Ledger, to have brought out all that through his manic physicality, his frightening humour and his almost delightful wit.

You see his Joker and you can almost believe that thats what killed him in real life.

"Don't start with the head", he says when Batman hits him there and you know why hes saying it...it is his most evil companion. Heath Ledger's instability hits out at the audience demanding a pulse that exhausts as well as exhilrates.

Nolan excites the audience with his emotional queries...."You've got rules, the joker has got no rules.." ...thats the appeal of the Joker. Makes you question where you want to fall on the spectrum, doesn't it?

The Movie is not dark because its treatment is so, its dark because at some base level it appeals to the base side of us.

It makes us meet that part of us that revels in the chaos the Joker creates, the belligerence with which he lives his life and the simple clarity of his vision.

While Batman lives a double life and is racked by introspection, the Joker lives one life, one identity, one honest dream.

Theres more I want to write about.

I'm not done...just exhausted.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I've Sorted It

The expectation of reciprocation is so misleading to intelligent thought.

I behave in a certain manner and therefore you should to.
Classical tit for tat.

And, when it is challenged, the mind refuses to sort itself out for fear of encountering truths better left as illusions.

This expectation is human and deny it as much as you will, it festers on emotional contact.

It takes guts to show that u’re human enough to feel its ugly head rearing….and more, to stamp it down.

But then, intelligent thought is also so misleading to the reciprocation of expectation….

“वो न आये तो सताती है खलिश सी दिल को...
वो जो आये तो खलिश और जवान होती हैं….”

Monday, July 07, 2008

आज मूड कुछ इस तरह का है

तू जो छूले प्यार से,
आराम से मर जाऊँ,
आजा चंदा बाहों में
तुझ में ही गुम हो जाऊँ मैं,
तेरे नाम में खो जाऊँ,
तुझे जीत जीत हारूँ
ये प्राण प्राण वारूँ,
है ऐसे मैं निहारॐ,
तेरी आरती उतारूँ,
तेरे नाम से जुडें हैं, सारे नाते....

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Hey, This Is Not It

Everyday I grapple with my inner demons.

My ex boss said in his farewell speech that I am unique (well I guess he couldn’t very well say I’m crazy) and, I just need to come to terms with them.

I disagree.

I am what I am because I have come to terms with them.

Now I think I just need to let them go…

The first and foremost would be to make peace with what I want to do with my professional self.

The jury is out on that one…

Oh heavens, just contradicted myself.

I, as the jury, am out on that one…as usual, there are hard decisions that need to be taken and I don’t see myself taking them.

There should be a purpose to life, right?

Somehow, my heart refuses to believe what I’m doing right now is the purpose of mine.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Storm Eater

I can see the sky from where I sit. And, its absolutely black right now. I love the storms. I just get to experience very few of them.

I remember when I was young I used to see more of them in Patna. Within minutes of a storm nearing, I would be out in my white slip dancing along the chatth…terrace, for the ones ignorant of the romance of the 80s. It used to be beautiful…the notion of challenging something was unknown then…so concepts like challenging urself by standing chest thrust in the storm did not figure. The joy of just feeling the wind whipping my hair…of the first raindrops on my face…just being able to laugh without inhibition…unparalleled.

And then I grew a little older and stopped experiencing storms altogether. In England u didn’t have storms, u just had ice. And, for 7 long years I have no memories of ever facing a storm.

I came back to India and after a few years so did my parents. One day as a storm hit I saw my father open his mouth as if he wanted to bite into it. I was fascinated. My dad taught me the art of eating a storm….my mom is fond of rain but she doesn’t particularly enjoy a dust storm. So as she went into a maniacal hurry to close all doors and windows as soon as she saw some inkling of a storm approaching, my dad and I used to post ourselves outside waiting for the first wave to hit and then savour it on our tongue. She used to keep yelling at us…u’ll get worms and we used to look at her with such disdain, as if she was the mad one. Haha…the biggest dad-daughter bonding vibe I ever felt came from these almost magical sessions.

As I got married, I also realized that M hated storms. No he was not tolerant of them. He hated them because for him it meant dust in the house, in every pore of the house. For years I would act like my mom, running around closing all doors and windows. And then I would be myself, perching myself at the edge of the balcony of the house till the storm lasted. I think M lived with my fascination as I lived with his obsession. And, we still do. J

The storms still call me. I can see one now, right out of the window of my workplace. My colleagues think I’m crazy because the dust doesn’t bother me. I’m worried a little because I forgot to put the clothes drying in the sun of the morning inside. So another one of those future planning failure discussions, I guess.

I used to be able to enjoy a storm earlier without chasing it.

I still love the abandon of a storm…..the sheer feeling of every pore of ur body singing to a tune only u can hear…..the indulgence of eating dust and washing it down with the first few drops the sky grants you…

As I said the experience is rare….

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Mera Tan Man Aur Dhan

Hey I’m an IPL Believer….
I have this concept of my तन मन and धन.
With my तन (lust) I support Shane Warne.
With my मन (love), Dhoni.
And with my धन (money), Delhi Daredevils (not because I’d put my money on them….just because professionally, we partner them and, hopefully will earn from them)..

Now, my तन मन and धन are at war
Ah, what is it they say about lust being the biggest driver of war
And, love being the sole survivor….

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Is It Time???

The wind seems to be blowing in a direction I want it to be blowing in.

God seems to be playing hockey with all bells.

The windmills in my mind seem to be clocking dreams full steam.

Do I have the “devil may care” I need to become a Peter Pan???

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Romancing Myself

Today is one of those days……..
A tear hangs for dear life on my eye lash,
I just have to shut my eyes and drink it in.
I’m not sad.
oh no....
just one of those days,
when,
I choose to wear love on my lips…
And, sparkling water in my eyes.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

So Sassy It Kills

The reason I love IPL apart from

the unapologetic debauchery of making and enjoying a spectacle,


the adrenaline rush one experiences when two balls make enough of a difference to silence the staunchest and the raunchiest in the business…hey, I am talking about the balls one uses while playing cricket

the stories my mind conjures up off the rich and famous and, so out of reach celebrities, to blow them to smithereens, as I see them relegated to desperate fan status

Ishant Sharma and his flowing mane….could give SRK a run for his money, I say

SRK himself, who could easily sway a billion hearts with his oh so blasted dimples and, even more, with the genius that he truly is…i’ve always believed perception to be a strong mover of character especially in fields external to oneself…there is no beating SRK their…he is over the top ya, but, he is so there, for the cause…and I’m sure, that matters to the team on the field, even as we belittle his antics and revel in the them in the same breath..

Mallya grinning and admitting “srk kicked our ass”….its a game and that is the spirit….no pun intended

the launch of so many players whom I can’t name right now but, will know like the back of my hand, a month from now

getting to see a Ponting hug an Ishant Sharma, a Jayasuriya strategize with a Sachin, a Bhajji lead a team

The reason I love the IPL apart from these is Billy Boyden…

Oh yeah….I’m so so in love with him….

That man has everything it takes..

So sassy he blows me off my feet every time he struts his stuff for that boundary…..


Monday, March 17, 2008

Aaj Mere Bhai Ki Shaadi Hai

Its been an extremely eventful one month...and without time to write, an annoyingly painful one at times.

My bro got married..my kid bro got married and I still have to pinch myself to believe it.

I still remember the day he was born..he was born in the week Prince Charles and Princess Di got married...every kid born in that week got a hamper from royalty...I was majorly kicked that my baby bro was so important.
And, to say that was prophetic would be an understatement...he is most critical in my life...
hes always been 10yrs younger than me but over the years those 10 yrs really haven't counted for 10.
We have been chosen differently by destiny and challenged in a manner differentiated.
He has struggled to get his due and got it most times, though through huge travails of crises.

I can proudly say that not for a moment did my faith in him diminish.

I am happy that he is happy..as usual, after a period of crises.

I saw him in the crib some 25 yrs back and knew he was mine...he always will be..mine.

I also fell ill..seriously ill after a long long time..went through half the wedding without my voice and with IV channel stuck to my hand..a warning signal everyone tells me..maybe my crises is something I can avert...


but I know in my heart that it was just me taking upon myself the ill luck following my bro..

I have it in me to withstand and, I withstood..

I have never been superstitious but this wedding had to happen with as much happiness as possible..he deserved to be happy and I just get the feeling I helped..

stupid nonsense some would say, but I know and, thats enough.

Kick Ass Bro like u always do and, I'm right behind u to kick urs, like I've always done..
luv ya and my new bhabhi..

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Rob Lowe is Yummmmm

The stoicism I end up wearing is extreme direct proportional to the angst I’m in.

And, sometimes when I just don’t have enough in me to cross that bridge, holding on to the inane becomes a lifeline.

I absolutely adore Rob Lowe in Brothers & Sisters…

35 is an odd age to get the hots for a star na…whatsay??

Even the inane refuses to give this time...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Tip My Balance

I was speaking to a close friend some days back on creating balance vs tipping balance.
I think I need to tip the balance now.

My whole life has been one where I’ve tried to create balance for myself and others.

However, it seems to lie largely unappreciated…perhaps, what is seemingly urs without a fight, also, does not seem noteworthy.

One needs to sit back, make life a little difficult and then, perform with suitable occasion to restore balance.
Then, its worth it.

Not preempt like I do.
Not restore as if nothing would have happened. Again, like I always try to do.

Tip the balance a little….sit back and enjoy…

my world’s not gonna fall apart because I shrugged.

After all, who the fuck appointed me Atlas anyways….