Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Morning Refrain of a Wannabe Super Woman

I stand in the balcony each morning

and, hum myself to sleep

the day has to be lived

in colours that run deep...

Monday, October 22, 2007


आदमी दो तरह से लाइफ जीता है

या तो, डर डर के

या, फिर, मर मर के


को मर मर के जीना .....

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Say Hi to Sexy Hottie Oldie

Have been really jacked for time these past few weeks. Have sat to write many times, only to get waylaid by something more urgent and, less involving.

I turned 35 yesterday.
I keep saying that, hoping it’ll make some difference to the limited wisdom I carry with myself, when I ponder on decisions, I have taken and more critically, on the ones I missed taking.

Its funny that I can’t really remember sitting down and deciding on something….going with the flow is how it has mostly happened…does that make me indecisive?

Nah….I know exactly what I want but its just that I couldn’t be bothered to ponder much on why and, how and, why not and, if not. God, just writing that is tiring me out….:)

Yesterday was not very different from any other day…, it was peaceful outside and, trying to be peaceful inside…
There has to be some merit in that….

Just can’t seem to see it right now….it was quiet, very quiet……just me talking to myself...

Monday, October 01, 2007

Romancing Myself

If someone were to ask me today to list some of the turning points in my life that may not have changed it but, made me see it in a different way, what would I recall?

I meet so many moments ever day that redefine the way I look at things……and I’m forever in emotional transit.
But let me try……

Finding Nusrat would probably figure very high on my list….nusrat flows in my blood….there is not a time I can remember when I’ve heard him and not been transcended to a realm different from the one I was situated in then…his voice echoes every feeling I have ever encountered and he stands tall in all dreams I have ever had for myself. I discovered him very late in life. Sometimes, I think it apt, as I discovered myself and, what I wanted very late in life too.
And, Nusrat helped me sort out myself. And, is still doing so.

I used to be a player when I was young, very young. I used to live in England with my parents. School was always fun and, at times a place which made fun. I was a major tomboy….playing glassies with the boys….and beating them at their game….I had this huge tin of glassies of the most wonderful hues…they were my most prized possession then….i had won each one of them the hard way…and then, one day, my box disappeared. My mom had finally decided she had had enough of me consorting with uncouth guys playing the streets and, decided to do away with the root cause….I cried for days…my eyes not wet with tears but, overcome with red angst. Hating my mom was not an option, but I still remember talking to myself, urging myself to come out of the pity I felt for myself….I went looking in every bin I could find in the locality and, when I couldn’t find my beautiful jar of glassies, I did what every child does…I dug in my heels, forgot everything else, focussed and, started building my empire back from scratch. Went and exchanged afew stupid Christmas cards for one awesome blue cats eye glassy and the euphoria I felt at every win was unparalleled. I had another tin filled before the season changed and, from then, till now,….theres always a bounce back waiting to be found….

So when two guys beat up my sis in school…I took her to the hospital..and, while she was getting stitches done..ran back to school…bashed them up and came back to the hospital to get the pants beaten of my backside by my dear parents….but i felt sooooo a hero..misunderstood, battered but still victorious..

I didn’t have a waist..i was built like a guy…hula hoops were the craze then…now I could hardly hula hoop without a waist…I used to play football with my dad and afew other guys and I always used to be the goalie…my dad and those guys used to be so absorbed in trying to outdo each other’s foot tricks that the ball never used to reach me….so while they played footsie I used to stand there hula hooping…and sure enough before the month end, I was twirling my waist like a pro..

I used to set myself a study schedule every exam till college…..and that had to be the most flexible piece of documentation I ever kept. I had no qualms in resetting my goals and deadlines basis convenience. Which is probably the reason for my lack of faith in goals, visions, missions, the works…the only big word that seems to work for me, till date, is "Tasks".

The moral of the story - theres always a bounce back waiting to be found..and by God, I'll find it...

Ah, cooking would be the third one….I never learnt to cook…I used to be barred from getting into the kitchen when I was growing up. Not that I ever really wanted to. It was only in the last few years in college that necessity took me to the cooking stove..I used to rent out a place with afew friends and food was not as critical to them as it was to me…so I looked matters in the eye…and imagination and took over. Till today, I am unable to cook from a recipe book….I smell my food and add ingredients….I look at the colour and figure out when enough is enough. There are times I go horribly wrong but, there are others, when I’ve been told I make "soul food"….

And, I can’t change the fact that I’m incapable of precision while cooking…I’m incapable of precision most everywhere. There is so much more romance to imagination and spontaneity than to being accurate and right all the time.
I’ve made my peace with this handicap of mine.
Soul Food Maker tops anyday over Most Accurate Chef.

And then, my first job and the freedom I got to be myself there. We worked like no tomorrow over the most futile tasks, fought like our life depended on it and then, celebrated success as if we had saved ourselves from extinction….wow what “adrenaline thumping times”, what “to die for friends” and what, “bloody commitment”.

I don’t fool myself in thinking that experience like that can be replicated and, that is, perhaps, the reason I’m still happy with what I have. Just because something is gone does not make it the end. And, there was no better place to learn the hard facts of life than, where, I learnt the softer ones.

And then, there are other turning points that blew apart my life altogether…..but then that wasn’t the subject of this post was it????