Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Country Roads Take Me Home

I’m finally back after a 20 day long trip. Back home. Back, where I belong.

Did some thinking for a change in these 20 days. Its amazing, whenever I think, I end up screwing myself further.

Am just going to free wheel for some time to get back into the groove….

I saw Chak De. Loved the movie. I think it's the first sport movie I’ve seen coming out of the Hindi Film Industry. The title song is riveting not melodious. And the characters explode on screen. I saw the movie on 15th of August and felt really good about myself, a New Indian, as a part of the bigger global plan. On the flip side, I sat in a near empty hall in Luton, England with my sister and son and saw the overseas Indian audience showing a thumb down to Shahrukh’s more realistic avataar. So much for him not experimenting…

People dear to me think I don’t expose my real self enough. That's a lie. They think I don’t let my emotions show at all.
Though I have always realized and accepted this, it still came as a blinder. Hit me hard.
I have to be one of the most socially oriented people I have ever met and still I find it hard to confide. That's also a lie. I find it hard to even voice my opinions, my personal thoughts on a subject, in my social relationships. Its not that I don’t have them….nonono…there are some people in this world who have encountered too many of them….its just that more often than not I find it a herculean and, avoidable task offloading my thoughts on an innocent bystander.
So what should I do…..I was told this time in no uncertain words that I was losing out on more meaningful interactions because I chose to cover myself up like this…I agree…but I can’t manage to change myself…actually another lie…I don’t choose to cover myself, so, how can I choose to uncover now? This is just the way I am.
I’ve never really cared one way or the other if people understand me…what I have cared about is, that, I should not hurt them….and honestly, maybe this is what all this is about…maybe I just can’t be myself coz I don’t want the real me to hurt people’s expectations off me…..but then, this is the real me…god, this is why I wrote in the beginning, thinking screws me up further…..i just can’t verbalize everything I think and, am going through…and, if I’m a less loved and, more misunderstood person because of it, so be it….

Salman Khan sent to jail. For killing an endangered species. Forgive me for being politically incorrect and saying “Bull Shit”
Bullshit for so many reasons. And, actually I take back the plea for forgiveness…its my blog after all.
I come from a state which is renowned for supari killings…you can’t buy potatoes for 5 bucks a kilo but you can get someone killed for that much is how the saying goes….and, all these criminals of course end up in jail….(or in parliament). Maybe we should set up lobbies for appealing for extension of human lives…maybe we could endanger ourselves enough to be a part of the elite group that requires saving…
I know random human killings without rhyme or reason do not give anyone the right to pick up the gun on any other living thing, but I am not able to put into perspective the killing of an animal vs the killing of a human being. Wrong thing to say considering the fact that I have so many friends who don’t look at animals as any different from human beings. Even I don’t. I believe their right to life is above question. What I can’t seem to understand is why Mr. Khan is being held, when others, roam the streets and parliament scot free.
Which brings me to my next objection….I take strong offence to the fact that the killing would not have been considered an offence had the species not been endangered. I mean life cannot be subjected to such a layered approach, can it? I understand the logic of it…u want to preserve….I just don’t understand how killing one life can be a non offence, just because we have enough of it vs another, of which, there are not so many.

At 7 am yesterday morning I saw Afghanistan....from the window of a plane....I really don't know how to put it across...but I have never seen anything scarier and more awe inspiring in my 30 odd years....we were flying low enough for me to see the terrain...if Afganistan looks like that why do we wonder where afghans get their aggression from?

Met so many friends and family over the last few weeks… new places and old settings…..

Celebrated rakhi in a foreign land in the most traditional way, two days early but so many years late….

Met brothers who had graduated from being kids to responsible adults…and, recognized the fact that I could easily pass off as their younger sister now…they were at the helm and what a relief….

Made sweethearts with the youngest member of my family and tried to un-discipline him as much as I could in the days I stayed with him. Successfully at times…haha… I can still smell him if I shut my eyes…

Ate the most amazing strawberries and cream, and, DID NOT GAIN WEIGHT. I think it had to do with my dashing brother in law putting in his own secret ingredient in them.

And, bonded with my sister, both Librans, both so different from each other, chalk and cheese…. (she says she doesn’t do grey, I say, have never been able to find the black and white)…have always been the elder but, never come back without learning from her.

This time was no different.

Am back in India now. And, it seems like I’hd never been away.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Happy Independence Day from the UK

Its been a most enlightening Independence Day for me today...

For the last few days have been living in a quaint place called Luton, 40 mins from London. Am here on holiday and have been communing with myself at leisure.

Its been a ritual since the past 15 odd years to call up my grandpa on Independence Day and wish him.
He fought hard for India's freedom and if my one call can make me think that I gave him moments of reliving the glory of a gone era, then it doesn't matter, that he now, has Alzheimer's and is unable to sign his name, forget, undersign his nation...

I remember when I used to stay with my grandparents we used to hoist the flag, eat jalebis and sing the national anthem...a ritual we never got tired of when were young because of the frentic planning that went into it, or when we became older because of the excitement on my grandpas face...

Independence day means a lot to me...not beacause its supposed to but because its a part of the way I was brought up. Today I sit with my son , in England, in front of an open TV and tried to inculcate the meaning of this day into lasts for all of 5mins and leaves me feeling a failure....

And, then we see our first hindi movie in a hall in England in so many years....Chak De India....lovely lovely movie but thats fodder for my next post.....and, as we get up as the titles start rolling in, my son turns around and says, 'mommy, how come we didn't sing jan gan man at the end for the Indian Hockey Team...'

After so many years of hoisting the flag, eating jalebis, believing in the day, I can only resonate, 'ya baby, how come?'...

Soul Talk

If I look out from where I'm sitting right now, I can see the most divine hayfields and, flowers that are so intensely coloured that, they cause your heart to ache.

The weather is classic brit, its been raining for 3 days now and the wind seems to echo memories of another land, another time...its awesome. And, its heartbreaking.

I can't for the life of me understand why such happy things, things that I love and wait for, make me sad.....

I don't know if this happens to anyone else or, is it just me???

I'm sitting in the garden, looking up at this vagabond shadow of clouds wondering why they call me...

haha...think I've lost it...finally...