Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Being Obese - Day 1 of the 12th Year

Its with great relief that I sit with myself today. I finally have someone to talk to. Its difficult getting one to find a shrink even when one has decided to see one.

I am a 110 kgs or nearing it. That means that I'm all of double the weight I should be. Ideally. I would also categorize myself as a "Food Monster" I 've heard that the best way to start the healing process is to admit. So this is a venture into pop psychology. Its also an appeal to all friends and reader of this blog to help me cure myself. I've always been tried and found guilty for being too open with people around me. However, I'm being true to my character and eliciting help and support from all.

I had the most amazing thought yesterday.

Last nite some friends had come home for dinner and we got onto discussing meditation and what it means to each of us. The consensus was that the best way to meditate was to think of ur past day before sleeping in the nite and ur future day post waking up in the morning. And, everyone very sagely nodded their heads. (Listen, am really not trying my hand at sarcasm here. its just that I really don't think such generalised learnings work for me).

But to come back to the point, I thought , really thought on what I say to myself or do before going off to sleep and post waking up in the morning. Every night for the last few yrs, my eyes close to one thought, tomorrow is another day and i'm not going to abuse my body with food, not this time. And I wake up each morning to the commitment that today is D Day. No garbage. No food. and by the time I'm done getting ready for office , i'm done with my commitment too. I hoard on breakfast that cuts straight to the flab and postpone for another day.

I've often questioned myself why I put myself through the pretense of promising myself something I don't want to make an effort for. Coz thats what it amounts to at the end of the day. Its not that I don't want to do it, its just that I don't want to make an effort. It hits hard coz that has never been an issue with me. I make an effort for the most ridiculous of things. I try and make possible situations that my loved ones want to bring upon themselves. So why does it not hit me that these same loved ones cannot see me dying this way.

Till a few yrs back I was fat. Not obese. And I was conscious of the fat. Because I wanted to look good.

Today I'm obese. I think medically I'm reaching a milestone offering called - Morbid Obesity. am conscious of the fat. Because I cannot not be conscious of it. Movement is cumbersome. Walking is an effort and the mirror has become my worst enemy. Still what do I do?? I eat some more...........

As usual. today is another day of postponement..........will come back soon with more.........

1 comment:

Abhigyan said...

There is only one way - you cannot earn thy bread without sweating. Life is about managing contradictions, and chossing accordingly. Throughout our lives, we strive to figure the work-pleasure balance. It is upto us to figure out how much compromise are we willing to make for either.

So i guess you just need to ask yourself - what all you can do withput, what all you can't. For instance, I have sort of given up on things which might be harmful/not-so-healthy and I don't enjoy much (french fries). And then there are things which might not be great but I enjoy (beer), so have to live with my beer-belly, and find the exercise way of attacking it. I also don't necessarily eat healthy stuff I don't enjoy (karela), but try taking stuff which might be more palpable.

Final point - our bodies are designed for certain types of natural foods (including meat, alongwith fruits, veggies & nuts, not really roti/rice), and a certain exertion of energy levels. The problem starts when the balance is lost there.